Are Birth Horror Stories Affecting How You Feel About Your Own Birth?

Birth Stories: How What You Hear Can Shape How You Feel About Birth

The lines on the test appear and you visualise the future. You calculate the due date. Picture how people will react when you tell them! It’s all beautiful and emotional. And of course, these moments are incredible (mixed amongst the tiredness and the nausea!) The appointments, the scans, changing your tracking apps to pregnancy trackers. All very exciting! But there are also those people, maybe a little further outside your inner circle, who say those words that become a huge red flag:

“Oh let me tell you about my birth…”

-stomach drop-

Suddenly, you’re hearing about all the things you don’t want to hear. The things that go wrong. Building upon a lifetime of seeing birth being portrayed as dramatic and scary through the media. And although these things seem entertaining or neutral before pregnancy, when you’re facing birth yourself, they become a blueprint for how we approach birth. 

Why do people tell pregnant women their difficult birth stories?

Birth is such a deeply personal and vulnerable experience. No one shares their story to be malicious or to intentionally scare someone… at least, I can say I’ve not come across anyone doing this! It’s a very normal thing to share our own stories! But mostly, the stories which are on the more dramatic end of the scale are shared because they carry more detail, are more memorable and have possibly been responded to with more interest previously! When this happens, people do have the opportunity to process their own experience more and feel that sharing this with others can be supportive. It could act as a warning or give people suggestions for what to do or avoid. But it is very easy for the negatives to stick in your head and become a beacon for your fears.

Can hearing birth horror stories affect how you feel about your own birth?

YES! It absolutely can! If you’ve ever watched a horror film and then run up the stairs for fear you’re being chased… same thing. Your brain wants to keep you safe and it often does that by responding to threats, whether they are real or perceived. When a part of a story triggers that threat, your brain will respond naturally - to protect. Fight or flight engages and increases adrenaline. You expect those things to happen, you visualise them, anticipate them. And anything that confirms those fears compounds that fear and that response. Other people’s experiences become a reference point and without challenging that reality, you can find yourself experiencing (and blindly accepting) the very thing you didn’t want. Because those stories don’t just happen in isolation. They form part of an ongoing narrative around birth and accumulate your expectation. One negative story doesn’t mean that anxiety will take over, but it’s important to be conscious of what other information and circumstances this story is landing in.

Your birth is not their birth

What is missing from those birth stories that are being shared is the FULL context. What is missing is the details of their pregnancy, their pre-pregnancy health, their baby, their own expectations, priorities, circumstances, philosophy, choices, care providers and support network. And birth itself does not exist in a vacuum. Although a lot of things are given as absolutes - you can’t do X, you will have to Y, would you be allowed Z - there is choice, autonomy and you have rights throughout. And the way someone else’s birth unfolds is dependent on MANY of these factors. When YOUR context comes into play, the outcome can be entirely different. One of the most common phrases to follow any birth story (often to soften the blow of a dramatic story!) is 

‘But every pregnancy and birth is different isn’t it!’ 

And that statement really should carry more weight! Because it’s SO true.

Should you avoid negative birth stories?

Not necessarily. It will depend on the neutrality you can apply to the stories you receive. If you can receive them as ‘information only’, it can be beneficial to hear to support your preparation, particularly for Contingency/plan B and C. 

If you’re finding yourself constantly searching for negative stories in an attempt to ‘feel prepared’, then maybe a different approach would be more supportive. It may be helpful to speak with someone about concerns you have, gather more information about these to alleviate them and work through the BRAIN acronym.

If those negative stories are starting to feel uncomfortable in your body, then having a way to deflect them can be really helpful. A statement such as ‘I’m not feeling in the right headspace to hear birth stories currently, but I might have questions for you at a later date!’

It’s also important to not ONLY listen to positive stories. We need balance. Realism. And a radical responsibility to be ready for the outcome of our birth. 

What can make a birth story more useful?

What can be useful when listening to a birth story is:

- to listen to what exactly happened and be curious about the multiple possible reasons for this. (Remember that many people don’t know exactly what happened themselves in their birth or what leads to things happening). 

- Pay attention to the choices available in that moment. I often tell clients that they may need to ASK for choices and information, so someone may not have had all of these options available to them at the time. 

- Listen to the choice they opted for. This may not have been the choice you would make and it also may not have been that persons choice again. Considering the previous point, would they have made the same choice if presented with alternatives?

- What changed following that decision? We talk about the cascade of interventions for a reason.

- HOW were decisions made? Were they supported? Were they autonomous, informed decisions? Were they made in heightened circumstances?

- How did this person feel throughout their story? Was it a story of misfortune? Fear? Empowerment? Is there a clue here as to how you may strive to FEEL differently in your story rather than ACT differently?

- Are they suggesting what YOU should do differently? Is that what THEY would have done differently? Have they learned something different since their birth that has shaped how they now feel about their decisions?

Where can I find real birth stories?

As birth stories can be such an important part of birth preparation, I have a growing collection of them available in The Willow Lounge. Real stories, told by the people who have experienced them, no commentary, no suggestions. They are ready to be received on YOUR terms, surrounded by support and information.

How to prepare for birth without preparing for the worst

Although it can be branded naive to go in expecting a positive birth, especially if this is a newer concept to you and those around you, it can have a huge impact on your birth mindset. Preparing for birth can feel like a full-time research project, but a good framework to support your preparation can help:

1. Learn your options.

2. Understand your maternity system.

3. Think about what matters to you.

4. Hear a range of experiences.

5. Prepare for different possibilities by bringing in what matters to you most

6. Consider who will help you navigate them.

Preparation is not about arming yourself against the worst case scenario. It’s about stacking the odds in your favour for the birth you want and deserve, preparing realistically rather than fearfully and consciously working towards a mindset that supports birth.